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Realising…

January 14, 2011

Slowly realising that I’m not as ok as I thought. Getting easily frustrated by the simplest of things. Wanting to cry at a quote that made me think of someone from my past. I just want to be ok. I get that it’s ok to not be ok, but maybe, just for once I just want things to be ok. I want to be able to feel happy and to get through the day.

I did manage to cheer myself up slightly this afternoon by baking cupcakes. Baking always makes me feel better and for once my cupcakes looked like cupcakes and actually taste pretty damn good too.

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2010

January 2, 2011

2010 was a shit year. Admittedly not quite as bad as 2009, but that was the most horrific year of my life so I think something truly horrible would have to happened to make this year worse. 2010 was supposed to be a better year. And it was. But it was also still shit. So here’s to a better 2011…

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Busyness

December 24, 2010

I’ve been wanting to post so much more than I have this week. As in I actually planned on posting! But have been so busy I have failed to even get Christmas cards for my family.

I’m working in a call centre this week. The work is dull but the pay is good and will help ease the usual student worries about money when I return to uni in January.

It gives me a chance to think as well. The call centre I’ve been working for has been abnormally quiet the last few days so I’ve had a chance to think and write a little bit. Said writing will be uploaded at some point in the next few days (probably once all the festivities are over and done with).

So all that leaves me to say is Merry Christmas. I hope you have a good one. Spend time with the people you love and try not to kill them when they get on your nerves.

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Freedom

December 16, 2010

So the assignments are finally finished. And just about to be handed in. Christmas begins here. Freedom for a whole month. But ‘freedom’ means family time and if I know my family, it will mean a million arguments and invasion of my privacy. And with my sister’s wedding just five short months away that is going to be pretty much the only thing spoken about over the next four weeks. I’m just glad I have a job in a call centre while I’m at home so I can escape again.

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Giving Up

December 14, 2010

I’m not a quitter. I hate quitters. People who face adversity and just run away and give in drive me crazy. The Mother raised me in that way. She gave me that value of never giving in. But right now I couldn’t care less. It’s all just too much. I want to give in. I don’t care anymore. I just want uni to be over and to be home for Christmas. Someone save me?

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Guest Post: Thoughts from a Survivor

December 12, 2010

Thought you might be getting bored of me so I’ve asked Helen to share some of her thoughts. Here they are:

The first time I was diagnosed with depression I was 12. I had been admitted to hospital with an overdose. It was a cry for help. I knew something wasn’t right.

But the thing with being 12 years old is they aren’t willing to give you anti-depressants. And at 12 you don’t want to talk to people, so counselling doesn’t work. That and parents who don’t recognise it’s a problem leads to a messed up few teenage years.

When the author asked me to guest blog I was thrilled. I too am a blogger and love to write. But then it begged the question, what do I write? What can I add that the author cannot?

I then realised for the last 10 years I have been battling with the disease. I have spent many years being depressed and very few not. Most of my life felt like I was in a black hole and I tried everything to get out.

Doctors don’t know how to deal with someone like me. At first, I wasn’t allowed drugs due to my age and then I decided against them. I wanted it to be my victory. Not a drug company’s. Well that and a little addiction problem.

It’s a bitch the d word. It sucks arse.

My most recent diagnosis was in June and had a very obvious cause. Most of the time though it hasn’t. I’ve been fighting something that I didn’t understand.

Each time though, 3 things got me through it:

1) A mass of ice cream and movies. Seriously, having time to just be me was so helpful. To feel like shit and not be told off for it.

2) My friends and family. It took a long time for my mum to understand but when she finally did, she was my biggest support. To have people love you through something is amazing. To be able to call them and for them to tell you jokes or listen to you cry or bring more Hagen Daaz. My dad used to buy me Monty Python films to cheer me up. The little things those around you do to help are priceless.

3) For me it was my faith. I think faith is a good thing, no matter you religion: agnostic, Christian, Buddhist, Muslim, Pagan etc. People try and belittle people of faith and I get so angry at that. Why take away from someone something so profound? We tell children that Father Christmas is real, what’s wrong with believing a god is real? My faith in God gave me a reason to keep fighting, to keep living. A faith that God has a plan for my life, that God loved me and wanted me to keep going, that God had made me the person I am. What kept me going the most though was knowing there was someone who was and is constant and would listen to me while like the little bitch I could be. Whatever someone’s faith, as long as it isn’t hurting others why not support them in it? I believe that there was a reason for all the crap I felt. And that reason was find my strength.

So I’m a depression survivor. I don’t know where the road of life will take me. But I know I have come a long way and that the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel is a clich√© for a reason. It ain’t easy but it’s sure as hell worth it when you can look out at life and be genuinely happy.

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Bad News

December 5, 2010

Bad news does not help. Especially, not when not having the best of days. I discovered today that a really close friend of mine might be moving away. I barely get to see her at the moment as I’m away at uni most of the time. But I know that whenever I go home I get to see her and hang out and catch up. And now she might not be around to do that. And I don’t doubt that our friendship will span the miles easily but it won’t be quite the same. It will be very strange to go home and not see her. It will be strange that she won’t automatically be at social gatherings and that one of the main parts of our friendship group will be missing. There will quite literally be a hole in our group. It breaks my heart. But I thought I would post a picture that will always remind me of her and make me smile. This picture was taken on the beach that’s about 20 minutes from where I live at home and last summer we spent a whole day there, from the morning until about 11 o’ clock at night. It was the most beautiful day; full of fun, laughter, friends and a bbq on the beach!

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